Speaker
Description
As a single mom in Japan, much of my identity was shaped by that role, to the point where it even eclipsed my professional persona. I became Daren kun no Mama everywhere I went, and my entire day, schedule, and life were driven by meeting the needs of motherhood. As a single parent and a gaijin living in Japan, I was isolated in many ways. It was overwhelming for both of us at times as we navigated our way through Japanese preschool, elementary school, junior high, and high school together. As a native English speaker who speaks very little Japanese, living outside of Tokyo, we had few resources and very little community, but we always had each other. Sometimes my son struggled, but over time, he thrived. And then, before I knew it, he grew up. He became a young man, bilingual, with a budding career. And I have been struggling mightily to redefine my own life here. I do have a career, but as a single mom, who had limited language skills and limited freedom as I was raising my son, there was a cost, and now, as I'm on the threshold of retirement, I am faced with deciding who I want to be, not when I grow up, but when I grow old! Losing our home in the US in a wildfire and experiencing even greater isolation during COVID has left me with many choices and very little certainty. I have many roles, but I am searching for a new sense of identity that feels as familiar and comfortable, and fitting as that of Daren kun no Mama. I feel equal measures of anxiety, fear, and excitement as I explore this new life and world which I now inhabit.
As for the exploration, one thing that has helped immensely, which I've only just recognized as part of the process, is reaching out and finding new communities to belong to, ones that weren't as accessible when my son was little, and forging new friendships as well. It struck me some months ago, in a conversation with my son, ironically, that I have made a lot of new friends since the world shifted online during COVID, and now that the isolation of the pandemic is seemingly behind us, many of these relationships have moved into real-life gatherings and communities. I would suggest to anyone experiencing something similar to start looking online for groups or communities, both social and professional in nature, that interest you. Once you've made that transition, it gets easier to make authentic connections. It's not that I ditched old friends; it's that my priorities have changed, and I'm using my time differently. And I'm looking more outward than inward, as I'm less constricted by the path between work and home. That would be my first and best advice. Find online communities that are relatable, and from there, find your people within those groups. My second suggestion would be to find things that you genuinely enjoy - that bring you pleasure or peace and indulge in them. Try new things, go new places, and strive for good health, both physically and emotionally. You will surely find new friends, but you might also find some old friends who will share this new path with you. Truthfully, I'm still finding my way, but I don't feel quite as lost now.